Reality Television: The (Silent) Relationship Killer

Since the early 2000s, reality television has grown to fame with shows like Survivor, Big Brother, Jersey Shore and Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Between extremes of being isolated from the outside world, drama in Jersey or just the everyday millionaire's family life, audiences have continued to prove their enjoyment of un-scripted television. Recently, these shows have diverted to the likes of other people’s relationships turning love into messy, dramatic competitions between one another. Shows like Love Island, The Bachelor/Bachelorette and Too Hot To Handle have drawn in millions of viewers from around the world. Some of these shows even feature different countries each season such as Love Island UK and Love Island Australia. Although they have proven to be successful in the world of reality television, are they really doing any good for their audiences? Reality dating shows tend to present a display of love and romance characterized by manipulation, drama, betrayal and the idea that love is found in an instant. With no signs of slowing down anytime soon, their prominence inevitably shapes the views of their audience when it comes to love, relationships and expectations. This essay aims to investigate the ways in which reality television dating show’s portrayal of relationships influence expectations of what true love and a successful relationship look like, and how these portrayals can influence viewers' expectations of their own relationships. 

The influence of reality television dating shows on relationships is more dangerous than traditional television. Why? Well, as Mark Andrejevic (2014, 42) puts it, reality television is not really real, although it is produced to look that way. The appeal of these shows stem from multiple different aspects. One is the idea that reality television has the ability to capture “the forms of participation, diversity and authenticity” which audiences are easily attracted to because they represent popular culture in regards to the people’s culture (Andrejevic 2014, 44). The other is the idea of “realness,” or their supposed authenticity. That the people viewed on television aren’t reading off of a script or being told what to do, but are just ordinary people living as if the cameras weren’t there. In order for both reality television and its participants to be successful, they must show some form of authenticity, of being true to [oneself] (Porter and Standing 2020). The use of “reality-based elements” including their real names and where they’re from also add to the appeal of “realness” (Rocavert 2022, 40). However, it is very rare that what is viewed on reality television, especially dating shows, is actually genuine. 

The very well known dating show, The Bachelor, is a prime example of the deception that audiences face when viewing these types of series. Not only have they been accused of manipulation and contrivance (Rocavert 2022, 30-35) but even its own contestants have come out expressing anger towards the shows producers and how they were made out to be during the show. Author Nicolaus Mills spoke on the topic of humiliation and how “if they [the contestants] can be made to cry, so much the better. Molly Malaney, a contestant on The Bachelor in 2021, put out the fact that she didn’t truly love Jason Mesnick while production was going on, but was told to act the part at risk of the competition. 

The idea that the cast of these reality shows are just “ordinary” people is not nearly as true as it sounds. Although they may not be famous prior to filming, reality shows are still carefully type-casted just as traditional television shows. In her firsthand experience of being on reality television, Jia Tolentino expresses how they were categorized as characters, “[their] identities were given a clear narrative importance” (Tolentino 2019, 44). The producer of Girls v Boys, the show Tolentino was in, expressed that these shows are based off of high school archetypes; the jock, the prom queen, the weird guy, the nerd and the spastic girl (Tolentino 2019, 41). Those casted are also typically not A, B, or even C-list celebrities, which makes them seem slightly more normal than the usual television star. This can be dangerous because it allows for a deeper connection with the audience and makes it easier for viewers to put themselves in the place of a cast member. For example, Jane Feuer was publicly humiliated on The Bachelor, and in response received around $6000USD from fans. Her being given that money “highlights the intensity of viewers’ emotional connection and empathy” (Rocavert 2022, 30). When other shows such as Love Island or Too Hot To Handle use the same premise for their casting, it not only connects the audience to the cast member, but the cast member’s relationships as well. This influences the viewers perceptions of relationships because what they’re seeing on television, what is supposed to be reality, is not anything close. The behaviors, both good and bad, are still specifically played out and edited certain ways by the producers. What may seem like “happy endings” could just be for the plot of the show, and not anything close to how that relationship is behind cameras. 

Reality television is also notorious for showcasing an idealized version of love and romance. The main focus of these shows is for contestants to find “true love” through unnatural processes such as fast pace, dramatic competition. These narratives create unhealthy, unrealistic expectations of how love should ensue. Because the seasons of these shows are normally spread throughout a few weeks and edited into around 10-12 episodes, a lot that happens is not included. Showing an audience that people can fall in love in that little time makes it that much easier for them to assume love is quick and easy. Instead of understanding that it takes time and effort, these shows assimilate that relationships should be based on “conflicts between abuse and love” (Porter and Standing 2020). Forms of abuse such as possessiveness and manipulation are portrayed as “gestures of love” which are overcome and rewarded with “happy ever afters” (Porter and Standing 2020). It showcases love under false pretences of how it should be and what should be rewarded and allowed in relationships. This can narrow viewers' standards into the small glimpse they get of the actors' lives. The casts of these shows are also well aware that they are being filmed, they know that most of the things done and said will somehow come back to them when the show airs. With that in mind, these intimate relationships become “social systems” where both parties expect and are expected to cater to one another, while also balancing catering to everyone else (Hill 2022). In actual reality, this is challenging and not always completely doable, but with the magic of reality television we see couples with groups, with other people, with their own friends, all while also successfully staying together. 

With the competition theme of these shows also comes the idea that you can both win and lose when it comes to love. That one’s value on these shows is purely based on others opinions and their ability to find love. Frustration and anger are often emotions that, in reality television dating, are centered around asymmetric feelings. Associating value with the ability to find someone who loves you back “diminish[es] status afforded to an idea of selfless or charitable love” (Hill 2022). There is nothing wrong with asymmetric feelings yet these shows are centered around the idea that everyone needs to have someone. This pushes the idea that self-worth or loving someone else is only beneficial and valuable if it is reciprocated. Self-worth is being valued based on one’s ability to be with or provide for someone else, while also being provided for. Because of the competitive nature, these relationships are also not just because they want to fall in love but because they will be rewarded with money or some sort of prize. This encourages contestants to chase short-term commitments rather than real, long-term goals of a true relationship, exemplifying to viewers that in order to love or be loved, there should be ulterior motives. 

The behaviors that are constantly repeated and rewarded with airtime are some of the biggest influences that reality television dating shows have on an audience. They highlight jealousy, manipulation, betrayal and intense emotional stress. It is even to the point that cast members are purposefully placed in extreme, emotionally difficult situations or even physical hardships (Andrejevic 2014, 46). On The Bachelor, it was noted that instances of pain and humiliation, followed by crying were “documented extensively” (Rocavert 2022, 29). Gaslighting, making someone else question their own feelings, has become a very repeated and accepted behavior on these shows. On Love Island, the gaslighting was so prominent that it elicited a statement from Women’s Aid speaking out against this type of behavior (Porter and Standing 2020). This focus on these behaviors shape how the audiences perceive relationship dynamics and what extremes should be accepted as ‘normal.’ These behaviors can influence how the audience views and defines healthy versus unhealthy relationships and how that is applied in their own lives. Especially for younger audiences, who are most vulnerable to what messages and behaviors are being shown and praised on these shows. Over half of Love Island’s audience is aged from 16-24 and there have been reports on how the show negatively influences their self esteem, body images and sexual behaviors (Porter and Standing 2020). They represent the “authentic” self as one that is mostly white, skinny, with perfect hair and unrealistic physical attributes that are not representative of actual reality, or even their own audience. 

To follow up on the negative behaviors that are shown, they also represent stereotypical notions of gender and sexuality. These shows conform to heteronormative ideologies and problematic gender roles such as women being judged for being any sort of sexual and women being the submissive sex. Former Miss Great Britain, Zara Holland, lost her crown after scenes from her time on Love Island were aired showing her having relations with a male contestant. Although she was punished for her personal choices, the male contestant didn’t even get a slap on the wrist. Not only does this show female viewers that they should behave a certain, modest way at risk of punishment, but it shows male viewers that they have the freedom to make choices without having to worry about repercussions. Reality dating shows have proved to positively correlate with “gender stereotypical attitudes…with some viewers using reality shows as informational guides for relationship behavior” (Porter and Standing 2020) This can be dangerous because of the false narratives of reality that these shows portray. Drama and conflicts are what draw in views which are what is mostly shown in episodes. Showing viewers these stereotypical notions of gender on television allows them to be normalized. It shows that this is what gets attention, and possibly in the end, “true love.” 

Although reality dating shows have proven to have mostly negative effects on audiences' relationship expectations and views, there are some positive influences. For instance, Love Island has shown multiple examples of positive female friendships. These shows also open up and allow for conversations that challenge the relationship dynamics viewed in reality television dating (Porter and Standing 2020). Some viewers are able to identify the negative aspects of romance and use that instead as guidelines on what not to allow or look for. The focus on drama, emotional stress and crying that these shows take on can also be seen in a positive light. It shows how selfish or manipulative behaviors of contestants can be very harmful to others and can even fall back on the person who was acting in that way. 

Overall, reality television dating shows have proven to influence audiences' views of relationships and expectations in many ways. Their representations of “reality” are shown under false, very edited and specifically constructed pretenses. Pretenses that should not be believed or looked at by an audience as authentic. By doing so, it allows viewers to believe that behaviors and actions of the contestants are normal, seen in everyday life. The idea that the cast are supposed to be “normal” people who got lucky by being selected is also dangerous because it is untrue and it elicits a stronger connection with the audience. The behaviors that are shown over and over throughout these series are some that should not be getting attention. They normalize toxic, unhealthy and manipulative relationships as well as showing viewers that it can be rewarded with fame and money. They follow heteronormative ideologies as well as gender stereotypes, which can lead to abusive relationships. In conclusion, although they have some positive influences, reality television dating shows influence audiences' perceptions of relationships, true love and expectations in a negative way.